Welcome to Zombiehood!
Stage 1: InfectionLife is a joy filled with tasty surprises.
Zombie movies, TV shows, and popular books all say that zombies lead short, brutal lives obsessed with chewing through people’s craniums. Not true! With proper medical care and a positive attitude, people of decomposition can now look forward to years of slow-paced, anxiety-free living.
You wouldn’t even know you were infected, if not for the dizziness, confusion, and the open bite wound. Don’t worry, it’s not going to hurt for long!
Stage 2: Borderline ZombismLet the zombies wrap you in their love.
You’ve fainted, and woken up scared. Don’t be alarmed, low blood pressure is common at this stage and that’s why you passed out. It’s important to remain level-headed, as the virus and oxygen deprivation damage your brain tissues. Once again, remain calm. Remember, high IQs never made anyone happy.
If you become obsessed with daily routines and repetitive phrases, feel free to indulge yourself. You’re worth it! However, engaging in stereotypical zombie behaviour, such as home renovation while droning “brains, brains, brains...,” can alienate your friends and family.
You’re virally-abled now, which means you can infect other people with your bodily fluids. Therefore, it is vitally important to practice safe sex.
Stage 3: ZombismI am a putrefied blessing to the world.
Subtle clues such as increased gaseous emissions, bloating, and generalized rotting indicate that you’re a full-fledged zombie now! Soft tissues are especially vulnerable to damage or even detachment during this stage, but don’t despair. Five fingers per hand is an extravagance in this modern age of touch screens. Think of decomposing as extreme composting, and congratulate yourself for your wholehearted dedication to going green.
If there is a body part you feel especially attached to, duct tape is an excellent adhesive which does not damage delicate zombie skin (unlike staples). In cases of permanent loss, you’re just as much of a man, woman, or transgendered person as you’ve always been regardless of how many reproductive organs you’ve retained.
Stage 4: MummificationI am at the perfect level of decay for me.
Putrefying doesn’t last forever, so ignore your neighbour’s complaints. Eventually, your remaining tissue will dry out. As your digestive system has slowed to almost nil, sports drinks are not a reliable solution. Instead, get a friend to help you apply vitamin E and aloe enriched body lotions. Also, stay clear of museums, as an afternoon’s nap could result in you being put on permanent display on the Egyptology floor.
Zombies frequently report heartbreaking hazing and cruel discrimination during Stages 3 and 4. Just because you’re differently-living, doesn’t mean you’re not human! Therefore, the U.N.’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights still protects your access to employment, voting, and a public trial should you foolishly fall in with a bad crowd. Local law enforcement officers, especially small town sheriffs, do not have the legal right to shoot you in the head. Not even once, let alone twice.
Stage 5: DeathI release all my decaying body parts and allow life to find me.
Unfortunately, until there is a cure, zombies will sadly suffer from shortened life expectancies. Severe decay, hostile populations, and traffic lights that change too quickly all take their toll. However, you’re not dead yet. In fact, you’re UNdead! So embrace the many unexpected blessings of your viral years. No more flu shots, no more diets, and best of all, no more noisy neighbours.
And if you’re feeling down because your neighbours have all fled or been consumed, just repeat any one of the helpful zombie affirmations quoted throughout this brochure. Mental health is as important as physical health, even if you don’t have much left of either.
Zombism is good. I am at peace. Brains. Brains. Brains.
For the DVD, Welcome to Zombiehood, including closed captioning for zombies lacking ears, send $18.99 to Ken, Mailroom Chief c/o Odyssey International, Head Office, Indefinable Void Between Universes, Z0Z 0Z0.
Dragging yourself through your workday?
Wish your fellow employees would stop fleeing from you in terror?
Odyssey International has job openings for people of decomposition!
Work with your fellow zombies and pursue zombie hobbies in complete safety.
Speak to Dave,
Head of Mailroom Recruitment today!
Head of Mailroom Recruitment today!
No time wasters, please.
Learn more about zombie rights and employment, including the heroic efforts of one brave zombie to pilot a plane, in Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies by Victoria Dunn.
Enter the Zombie Rights Contest!It's easy! Just answer the question "should zombies have human rights?" and send your response to the e-mail or Twitter addresses provided below. If your answer is selected as the winner, you'll receive a special Workhorsery prize pack including:
- autographed copies of all three of our novels (Victoria Dunn's Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies; Derek Winkler's Pitouie; and Jocelyne Allen's You and the Pirates)!
- a genuine zombie crochet doll, possibly from the book trailer itself, definitely specially-crafted by the author(s) herself/themselves!
- some other secret stuff related to the novel that we're keeping top secret!
- a hand-made, super-limited addition Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies Workhorsery tote bag to carry it all in!
or via Twitter to: twitter.com/theworkhorsery.
The winner will be selected at 11:59pm on 7 November!
Follow the Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies Hallowe'en Blog Tour!Previous stop: Books Under Skin
Next stop: Open Book Toronto (direct link will be added when the article posts!)